Teens & Seminary

One Christmas my mother pulled me aside, holding a small package in her hand. I was surprised, as we’d opened all our gifts and were busying enjoying them.

“Many years ago,” she started, “we were with my grandparents for Christmas. My grandmother gave me this ring. It meant so much to me. I’d just turned seventeen and had never owned anything like it in my life.”

She handed the little box over to me. “After you were born I knew I wanted to give it to you after you turned seventeen.”

The ring was beautiful, and I wore it for many years until it grew too small for my fingers. It now sits in my drawer, and my own daughter asks to look at it every now and again, knowing the story behind it. Though I may not be able to wear it any longer, it still serves as a reminder of my mother’s love for me.

Watch your teens to see if being given a gift lights up their face. Look at how they treasure the items they’ve been given. Check to see if their gifts are given a place of honor in their rooms. If so, your teen most likely feels the most loved when they receive a gift.

Giving gifts is the fifth and final area in my posts on learning how to love your teens. Giving gifts must go beyond Christmas and birthdays, especially if this is the primary way your teen gives and accepts love.

Think about how you felt as a child and teen when it was your birthday. All focus was on you. Brightly wrapped gifts were presented one at a time, everyone anxious to see what new toy or gadget you were about to reveal. What if you could feel like that every time you received a gift?

Gary Chapman, Ph.D., noted family and marriage counselor, encourages us as parents to make any gift you’re giving your teens a big deal. Even if you go out with your daughter to pick out a new dress, bring it home, wrap it up, and let her enjoy the ceremony of unwrapping it with other family members around. This ‘ceremony’ makes the gift mean so much more in the eyes of your daughter. Much more so than if you’d merely brought it home and hung it up in her closet. The love behind the gift is keenly felt.

Of course not all gifts need to be given in front of the family. Sometimes it means just as much when, like my mother did with me, you make the event itself special, private. I often think about what it must have been like for those who were given the gift of sight, or health, or hearing, or whatever from our Savior. Yes, He often performed these acts in front of many people, allowing the love behind His acts to be seen by all. There must have been other times these acts, these gifts, were also given privately. I wonder how full the scriptures would be if we were allowed to know of all the gifts of healing the Lord performed for those He loved – and He loved them all.

Our Savior is perhaps the greatest example of how to present someone with a gift. It was never done by making a deal. He never said, “I’ll take away your blindness if you’ll go to church every week.” He never gave a gift to replace his love, as many absentee parents are wont to do. He gave gifts freely, with many expressions of love, just because. He didn’t need a reason to do it other than He wanted to say, “I love you.”

If your teens acutely sense you love them through gifts, you need to consider the meaning behind your gifts. Are you often gone because of a job or divorce and try to buy your child’s love through gifts? Do you give gifts through bartering for services rendered? When was the last time you gave your teen a gift ‘just because?’

The idea of giving gifts often can make your wallet ache with the thoughts of what this will do to your bank account. We also have to be mindful of keeping our kids grounded, and working hard to keep them from becoming materialistic. Dr. Chapman explains it’s important for our teens to learn to enjoy the ordinary as well as the expensive. Ask yourself if the gift you are thinking of giving truly contributes to the well being of your teen.

If your teen wants something expensive, offer to go in on half of it. Let them learn the value of the money by earning it for themselves. If they can’t get a job, give them extra chores or jobs to do around home and offer to pay minimum wage. When you present them with the money they’ve earned, make a big deal out of it. Make it a part of the gift.

Fortunately, gifts don’t always have to be big and expensive. Consider your teen’s interests. Do they enjoy food? Cook their favorite dinner for them out of the blue. Do they like to read? Buy two or three of their favorite types of books, and present them with one book every two weeks or so. Do they like to draw, or sing, or play sports? Find simple ways to give them gifts relating to these things. Just be certain you’re doing it with all the right reasons, otherwise the gift loses it’s meaning.

Perhaps my most treasured gift isn’t something I was given by my parents at all. At least, not my earthly parents. Those who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, nicknamed the Mormon Church, are given the chance to receive something called a Patriarchal Blessing. One of the main components of this blessing is to know specifically what some of our gifts are. These gifts are not tangible, but spiritual, and can provide extraordinary blessings throughout our lives if we use them righteously. They are gifts that can be increased by using them to bless others.

I am eternally grateful to a Heavenly Father who has blessed all of us with gifts. Not only with spiritual gifts, but with every thing on this earth we have been given. He does it because He loves us. He doesn’t require anything in return. He is an extraordinary example of what it means to love someone through giving gifts.

For some teenagers the strongest way they feel and receive love is through service. Service is a language most parents naturally speak. From the time our children are first born it becomes our responsibility to change diapers, cook food, wash clothes, and look after the physical welfare of our little ones.

One of the greatest examples of service comes in the form of a carpenter. Jesus Christ spent the majority of His ministry serving others. It’s a pretty fair bet that He spent many more years before that giving service as well. He knew, perhaps more than any of the rest of us can possibly comprehend, how acts of service are able to communicate so much love. The Bible is replete with story after story of how our Savior performed such acts. The Book of Mormon, another testament of Christ, also shows how He chose to serve His faithful in the Americas shortly after His resurrection. He was only with them for a short time, but His influence remained with them for hundreds of years after. (If you'd like to read of this visit please go to 3 Nephi 11 and read on.)

Gary Chapman, noted marriage and family counselor, recognized the need for service in many of his patients, even calling it a powerful expression. Unfortunately we as parents often find our attitudes slipping when it comes to serving our teens. Perhaps we do it more out of a sense of duty rather than love. We may even start to feel more like slaves than parents. I know I’ve felt that way a few times.

This is where we learn how to step away from the type of service we provided for our loved ones when they were children, and begin teaching them how to become independent adults through service.

In listening to Dr. Chapman speak on acts of service I am reminded of the saying, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” That is the attitude we must now begin to take with our teens. They want to feel grown up and independent. A big step forward will be in teaching them how to do things for themselves. This can be done in simple ways.

If you’re preparing dinner one night, invite your teen to come help you. Ideally this should be done even before they become teenagers. Still, it’s never too late to start, and teens should definitely be taught to cook some of the most basic dishes. You are providing the service of preparing the food and doing the main cooking, but your teen feels the love you are showing in asking them to be a part of the process.

In both the youth programs (Young Men and Young Women) in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (nicknamed Mormon Church) teens are encouraged to set goals to help them become more self-reliant. For boys these goals are set in the Duty to God program, and for girls it's done in Personal Progress. For example, teens are asked to learn to make a grocery list, do the shopping, and prepare a meal. Parents are highly encouraged to help in this, and certainly show their love when they choose to do so.

Dr. Chapman encourages us to make a list of things we’d like to teach our teenager. Show it to him or her and explain what the list is. Ask your teenager to write down any other things he or she might like to learn. This will especially help in giving your teen a positive attitude about the plan. Your teen might even surprise you. Your young man could be a budding chef. Your young lady could be interested in cars. Give them the chance to express themselves through the things they want to learn.

Once the planning is done the training must begin.

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).

It does not say, “Do everything for your child and maybe one day he’ll pick up on it.” Our children have to be taught and trained how to do things for themselves. Dr. Chapman tells us to teach first. Give a verbal explanation of what you are about to do. For example, you wouldn’t just hand your teenager a pot and expect them to know how to make spaghetti. You would first explain things. After we teach it’s time to train. First we show by example, next we have our teen help, until finally they are able to do it by themselves. This will take time, and a lot of patience. I can promise you when it is done in the right spirit wonderful things will happen in the life of both you and your teen.

Three warnings. First, be careful not to fall into the habit of making deals. Your teen will only see this as manipulation. If you find yourselves saying things like, “I’ll do this if you’ll do this…” be careful. It’s a form of manipulation, like a bartering system. The end result is not love, but getting what you want.

Second, be mindful of doing everything for your teens, as you did for them when they were children. It will still be necessary to do many things for your teens, especially those things they have not been taught to do for themselves. Parents who continually do everything for their teens are simply creating dependent teenagers who feels free to take and take and take, but never learn how to truly give.

Last, watch for teens who try and manipulate you. “If you really loved me you’d let me go to the party.” Guilt is a favorite tool, and we need to remember real loves comes from doing what we know to be right even when our children don’t see it themselves.

Whenever I think of the Lord I think of service, and the love He showed through each act performed. I know He would willingly serve me just as I try to serve my own children. I also know He doesn’t want me to just give my kids fish, He wants them to become fishermen.

Quality time can be one of the hardest languages of love to speak, especially for someone who doesn’t personally care about quality time. My oldest feels the most love through quality time. She’s constantly asking to do things together either with me, or her dad. Finding that time with three other kids in the house is terribly difficult right now while she is still a child. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult it’s going to be as she enters the bustling teenage world.

Susan W. Tanner, General Young Women’s President for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (nicknamed “Mormon Church”) once said:

"We demonstrate our love for family members not only in teaching them affirmatively but also in giving them of our time" (Susan W. Tanner, “Did I Tell You…?,” Ensign, May, 2003).

Gary Chapman, family and marriage counselor, tells us that giving our teens quality time is to give them a portion of ours lives, our undivided attention. In other words, we must be willing to show them that nothing else in the world matters to us in that moment than what they have to say. If quality time is your teenager’s primary way of feeling loved, it’s vitally important for you as parents to make an effort to spend time together.

Quality time is not merely being in the same room together. I cringe every time I think of the times my husband and I let our daughter stay up to watch a movie with us. Every time she’d ask a question or try to make a comment we’d shush her. We may have been sitting on the same couch, but she wasn’t feeling loved. She came away from the experience thinking we loved the movie more than we loved her.

Spending quality time together doesn’t require a great, in-depth conversation where intense feelings are expressed or big problems are resolved. The conversations can be lighthearted. It's still important to make eye contact and use words to show we’re really listening. We must purposely make time out of our schedules, even if it means putting something aside in a moment’s notice, to give to our teens. Be interested in the things they choose to talk to you about, even if those things seem trivial to you.

“Some time ago I read an article called “Putting Children Last,” which told about parents who talk about their children in “appointment book” terms: 15 minutes at night when possible, regularly scheduled play time once a week, and so on (see Mary Eberstadt, Wall Street Journal, 2 May 1995). Contrast that with the mother who vowed to give her children not just quality time but quantity time. She recognized that a loving relationship requires constant and ongoing talking, playing, laughing, and working moments.

I, too, believe that parents and children need to participate in each other’s everyday, ordinary experiences. So I know about your upcoming test; you know about my lesson preparation. I attend your games; you join me in the kitchen for dinner preparation. We are major players in each other’s lives, absorbing love through daily experiences” (Susan W. Tanner, “Did I Tell You … ?,” Ensign, May 2003).

Teens will especially need to feel as though you are listening when they talk. Ask questions to show you’re aware of what they’re saying. Don’t be quick to jump in with solutions. It could be they just want someone to listen as they sort things out.

Dr. Chapman gives eight steps to help us as parents learn to help us learn to listen better.

First, eye contact is vital. It keeps your mind from wandering, and shows your teen he/she has your full attention.

Second, don’t do something else at the same time. If you can’t stop what you’re doing (like making dinner), let your teen know you want to give them your full attention and set aside time later on to talk. Keep in mind spending quality activity time together (working on a car, shopping, etc.) can often lead to quality conversations.

Third, be sure to ask yourself what you think your teen might be feeling during your conversation. Try confirming it by saying something like, “It sounds like you’re frustrated with your friend for…” Not only does this give your teen a chance to clearly state what he/she is feeling, but it communicates you’re really listening.

Fourth, watch their body language. Sometimes body language can speak much more clearly what your teen is really feeling. Tears, a half-grin, clenched fists, or fidgety hands can give you clues.

Fifth, don’t interrupt! This can be extremely difficult for some people, but try to refrain. You could end up stopping the conversation before it really gets started. This time is supposed to be all about your teen, not about you.

Sixth, ask reflective questions. When the conversation lulls a bit and you find a pause where you can speak up, ask questions that reflect what you’ve heard. You can’t express your own ideas unless you truly understand what your teen in saying.

Seventh, show you understand. If your reflective questions show you’re on the same wavelength with your teen, express something to illustrate. “I can see why you’d feel that way.”

Last, ask permission to share your impressions. If your teen is just looking for a listening ear, she’s not going to want your input and will push away. Ask something like, “Would you like to hear what I think?” If your teen says yes, he’s looking for help. If your teen says no, don’t be offended. He may have already figured out what he wants to do by simply talking it out.

On the flip side when talking to your teens be sure to give reasons why you feel a certain way. Don’t give them the excuse, “Because I said so!” This closes the door to any and all communication. Tell them why you won’t let them drive with friends until after they’ve had their license for six months. As adults we often require explanations of ‘why,’ and our teens are the same way.

For those teens that enjoy doing things together, look for activities they like to do. Take the time to watch them play a sport, act in a play, or other activities that they put so much effort into. If your teen likes to read, plan to read the same book together and discuss it.

Quality time can be a hard language of love for some parents to give, but it’s so important to make it a priority if you want your teen to feel he/she is truly loved.

Communicating love to your teen in any aspect can be a treacherous road, yet perhaps none is trickier than through positive physical touch. Due to fluctuating hormones, a constant sense of uncertainty, and the drastic highs and lows in their moods it can be difficult to figure out just when the right time hits to reinforce your love.

Positive physical touch is another aspect in the ways people give and receive love. Children who dearly love that physical contact read the most love through a hug, cuddle-time, kisses, and physical play. As they grow into teens finding ways to say, “I love you” through positive physical touch becomes downright complicated.

Trying to express love through a hug at the wrong time can cause embarrassment (if it’s done in front of friends), annoyance (if they’re feeling anti-social), or aggravation (if your action makes them feel as though you’re treating them like a child).

Parents, if your teenager’s language of love is positive physical touch, you need to learn to read your teen well enough to determine suitable timing. Good intentions done at the wrong time can go very, very wrong.

Consider first your teen’s mood. Does she slam the door upon coming home from school? Does he stand across the room from you when discussing his day? Are her arms folded tightly across her chest? Study their body language. Don’t be offended if they’re not open to being touched. It probably has nothing to do with you, but with something that happened at school.

Appropriate times for positive physical touch can be when something really exciting happens. It could be a victory in sports, a good report card, a successful performance in music or dance, a well-deserved grade on a test or major paper. The opposite can also be true. If your teen flunks a test, or has lost a good friend, or perhaps had a little accident with the car, they may need a good hug to be reminded that they are still loved. Just be mindful of their body language to know if it's safe to approach them.

Another thing to consider is where you might be with your teen when you want to give them a hug or kiss. The child who used to love being held in front of their friends isn’t going to like it any more. Gary Chapman, a marriage and family counselor who came up with the concepts of the love languages, strongly recommends “a good rule of thumb is never to touch a teenager in the presence of his/her friends unless the teenager initiates it by touching you.” (Italics added)

As with any expression of love, taking it to a negative side can cause horribly lasting effects. For a teen who feels the most love through physical touch, abuse of that form of love screams the opposite of love.

President Gordon B. Hinckley, former leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (nicknamed “Mormon Church”), gave one of my most favorite quotes on the evils of abuse.

"Then there is the terrible, inexcusable, and evil phenomenon of physical and sexual abuse.
It is unnecessary. It is unjustified. It is indefensible.

“In terms of physical abuse, I have never accepted the principle of “spare the rod and spoil the child.” I will be forever grateful for a father who never laid a hand in anger upon his children. Somehow he had the wonderful talent to let them know what was expected of them and to give them encouragement in achieving it.

“I am persuaded that violent fathers produce violent sons. I am satisfied that such punishment in most instances does more damage than good. Children don’t need beating. They need love and encouragement. They need fathers to whom they can look with respect rather than fear. Above all, they need example.

“And then there is the terrible, vicious practice of sexual abuse. It is beyond understanding. It is an affront to the decency that ought to exist in every man and woman. It is a violation of that which is sacred and divine. It is destructive in the lives of children. It is reprehensible and worthy of the most severe condemnation.

“Shame on any man or woman who would sexually abuse a child. In doing so, the abuser not only does the most serious kind of injury. He or she also stands condemned before the Lord.

“It was the Master himself who said, “But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea” (Matt. 18:6). How could he have spoken in stronger terms” (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Save the Children,” Ensign, Nov 1994).

Try to find different, positive ways to daily tell your teens you love them in a more adult manner. What about arm wrestling with your son? Try giving your daughter a manicure. A shoulder or back rub after a hard day is always nice. You could even practice the art of reflexology together and get a pretty nice foot massage in the process. If your teen doesn’t care for your expressions of love, have an honest talk and find out what would be okay. This acts as a way to let your teen assert what is or is not okay with him or her, and shows your respect for his/her feelings.

Teenagers whose main language of love is through positive physical touch need to be touched by parents. For some, it speaks more deeply and quickly than all other forms of expression. It can be used to help ease disappointments, to soften harsh words spoken to discipline, and to celebrate the good times.

One of the most powerful statements I’ve ever heard on the power our words hold was given by a latter-day apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (nicknamed Mormon Church) by the name of Jeffrey R. Holland.

In his talk, “The Tongue of Angels,” he takes a moment to contemplate the effect a parent’s words can have on a child.

“We must be so careful in speaking to a child. What we say or don’t say, how we say it and when is so very, very important in shaping a child’s view of himself or herself. But it is even more important in shaping that child’s faith in us and their faith in God” (Jeffrey R. Holland, “The Tongue of Angels,” Ensign, May 2007).

In continuing the posts on learning how to speak your teens’ language of love, we come to the area on speaking words of support and encouragement. This is especially effective if your teen feels the most love through affirmative words.

I am one of those people. I have always needed to hear the words to know that someone loves me, or appreciates me. The quickest way for me to let others know I love them is through a written note or by saying it out loud. As a youth I often did things, especially service projects, so that I might reap the rewards through loving and encouraging words. This is my foremost language of love.

For those of us who need these affirming words there is nothing more devastating than to hear the opposite, especially from someone we dearly love.

Speaking in particular to mothers, Jeffrey R. Holland discusses this with remarkable eloquence.

“How is it that such a lovely voice which by divine nature is so angelic, so close to the veil, so instinctively gentle and inherently kind could ever in a turn be so shrill, so biting, so acrid and untamed? A woman’s words can be more piercing than any dagger ever forged, and they can drive the people they love to retreat beyond a barrier more distant that anyone in the beginning of that exchange could ever have imagined” (Jeffrey R. Holland, “The Tongue of Angels,” Ensign, May 2007).

Fathers, you are certainly not off the hook. As a mother’s voice is compared to that of angels, I have so often thought of a father’s voice as being comparable to that of our own Spirit Father, or our Father in Heaven. When you find yourselves reacting in anger, pause for a moment and think what your Heavenly Father would do in the same situation. Remember these children are His children as well, and deserve a calm, supportive voice of reason during these trying years.

I love the words of the apostle Paul, who not only spoke candidly, but with much hope:

“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but [only] that which is good…[and] edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God….
“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you….
“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:29-32).

Children respond so easily to uplifting words. They’ll accept any you have to offer. As they grow into teens it’s not as easy to keep those words uplifting. More often we look to criticize, or demean, in order to get our point across. Then we wonder why our teens no longer listen to us. There is a better way to inspire our teens than by yelling, nagging, or arguing. These negative words can be more harmful than you realize to those who recognizes love through words.

So how do you break the negative-word cycle? Gary Chapman, family and marriage counselor, wrote extensibely about this very thing.

Start with a few words that praise your teens. Look for and verbally recognize their accomplishments. Believe it or not, every teen out there has done something right, and they deserve a bit of recognition for it. Be sincere in your praise. I can state from personal experience that it’s easy to know when someone’s not sincere. Flattery won’t get you far, and will breed distrust.

Be specific in your praise. If your daughter was supposed to clean her room, but only got her dresser cleared off, tell her she did a good job cleaning her dresser. If your son managed to get all his dirty laundry in the hamper without being nagged, praise him for it! Look for specifics.

But what if the results of a job are less than what was desired? Dr. Chapman suggests you praise efforts if you can’t praise the results. If your teen has tried to do something like wash the dishes or fold the laundry or mow the lawn, but their efforts have fallen far short of the job you could have done yourself, let them know how much you appreciate all the effort they put into the job. The next time they attack the chore, make a few suggestions as to how to make it easier. Say something like, “You might see a difference if you…” or “This time why don’t you try…” Make it about what they can do rather than what works for you.

Lastly, don’t be afraid to say the words, “I love you.” If you’re not used to saying it, this will take time to get used to. But the efforts will be marvelous. Don’t go around shouting it right in front of your teens' best friends. Do it privately. Find other ways of saying “I love you” without using the actual words.

“I really enjoy having you around.”

“Your smile makes my day.”

“I needed to see your beautiful face today.”

In the shaping of a teenager’s self-image our words are powerful tools. They should be filled with faith, with hope, and with charity. As Jeffrey Holland put it:

“With such words, spoken under the influence of the Spirit, tears can be dried, hearts can be healed, lives can be elevated, hope can return, confidence can prevail.”

For some parents it may seem like the most difficult thing in the world to do at time: love your teenager. The angelic little boy who used to love giving out hugs and kisses now flinches away from any signs of affection. The precious little girl who would heartily proclaim, “I love you,” now says hardly a word at all.

C. Ross Clement, a licensed clinical worker for LDS Family Services, stated:

“As parents, the single most important thing we can do for our children is to love them as the Savior loves each one of us (see John 13:34–35). When our children know that we truly love them, they are more likely to listen to our counsel, follow our example, and accept our discipline” (C. Ross Clement, “Talking with Teens,” Ensign, Jun 2005).

There is a trick not only in learning to love your teen, but more importantly in learning to speak your teens language of love.

A few years ago I was turned onto a series of books that opened my eyes as to how people both accept and give love. At the time I was a leader in the Young Women (girls age 12-17) program in my ward (large congregation in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, nicknamed Mormon Church). I was so inspired by what I read that I invited both the girls as well as their mothers to attend a presentation I put together. My goal for that activity: to help parents and teens realize why their relationship is so strong, or so weak, when it comes to loving their teens.

Before we explore the way teenagers give and express love, we need to take a moment to look at how we love our children. Until about the age of five, all children receive love through five different channels: positive words, acts of service, positive physical touch, gifts, and quality time. These five areas were explored by Gary Chapman, Ph.D, a marriage and family counselor. He discovered that after the age of five, children begin to select one or two areas where they in particular are able to connect with someone when it comes to love.

Some children may appreciate quality time with a parent much more than being given a gift. That time spent together speaks of love in more ways than a trinket ever could. Other children may respond overwhelmingly to positive, uplifting, and loving words far more than being given a hug or pat on the back. We’ll explore these areas more in the next few posts.

For several years children will lap up any bit of love in their specific area, and will blossom greatly under the influence. Then something big happens: they begin the transition into becoming a teenager. No longer do they want hugs and kisses, outright declarations of love, seemingly corny trinkets, or going to the grocery store just so you can be together.

Teens naturally begin to pull away from their parents. Sister Julie B. Beck, former 1st counselor in the General Young Women program of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, tells us why:

“They’re in a searching age—it’s the “why” age. There’s a reason for that: the Lord wants them to get their own testimonies” (Young Women General Presidency, “For the Strength of You,” Ensign, Oct 2007).

While they are in this process of searching for the why and what of everything in life it is more important than ever for them to feel secure in their love at home.

As teens move away from their childlike selves, their particular love language doesn’t change to something new, it merely looks for a new avenue. Dr. Chapman tells us that teens pull away from being loved as they were as a child, for they no longer wish to feel like a child. They are beginning their journey into forming adult personalities, and therefore wish to be loved in a more adult manner.

Think about that for a moment. Would you, as an adult, want to be sat down on your parents’ lap and cooed at, have your cheeks pinched, or your hair mussed up? Would you honestly appreciate having your mom or dad come over and do your laundry, clean your house, do your taxes, cook your meals, and balance your checkbook? Okay, okay, maybe that doesn’t sound like such a bad think, lol. For most of us, however, it’s a sign of independence to be out on our own and able to do these things for ourselves.

Teens are beginning their own journey in becoming the person you now are. In much the same way they desire to be loved in a more adult fashion.

Over the next few posts I hope to help you come a little closer to your teens. Keep in mind if you don’t speak the same language of love it will take time and a lot of effort to make a change in your relationship. The perception of your actions with your teen could have been warped before now, because your teen didn’t see the love behind the actions.

“Without love, a parent’s expression of disappointment can be perceived as rejection and, oft repeated, can damage the child’s sense of worth. Teaching without love may fail to touch the hearts and lives of our children. Listening without love may be perceived as disinterest. Discipline without love will be looked upon as unrighteous dominion” (C. Ross Clement, “Talking with Teens,” Ensign, Jun 2005).

We all speak a particular language when it comes to love. If we desire to see our teens become strong and confident, we must learn to speak their particular love language.

“Love should be the governing force in all of our interactions with our children” (C. Ross Clement, “Talking with Teens,” Ensign, Jun 2005).

Never let it be said the youth are not important. From the beginning of time the use of young people to further the work of the Lord has been utilized again and again.

David was a young man when he slew Goliath (1 Samuel 17:33, 42). Noah was ordained to the priesthood at only ten years old (D&C 107:52). John the Baptist was even younger than that: eight days to be precise (D&C 84:27-28).

From the Book of Mormon, another testament of Jesus Christ, we read at twenty-five Moroni became the chief caption over all the Nephite armies (Alma 43:17). The prophet Mormon was only fifteen years old when he beheld the glory of the Lord (Mormon 1:15).

Even in this last dispensation the young have wrought mighty things. Think of Joseph Smith, the first prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon Church). At fourteen years old he was visited by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, after taking James 1:5 seriously and enquiring as to what church to join.

Later one of his family members, Joseph F. Smith was only fifteen when called to serve his first mission.

Needless to say the youth of the world are precious, and should be treated as such. Youth need to be fortified against the outside influences of the world. Too often teens are led astray by those proclaiming to love them more than parents and leaders. It is more important than ever to help teens find the ways to stay strong to values and morals God deems important, not what the world would have them believe.

Leaders of youth can be one of the strongest influences over teens today. Whether they are a teacher at school or at church, those who can see what extraordinary abilities lie within a teen can be valuable tools in helping them reach their potentials.

I recall many wonderful leaders I had the privilege to know and love as a youth. Many of them are ingrained in my mind as ones who loved me more than I loved myself. One particular teacher, Michelle, went so far as to offer me a little job cleaning her home. She and her husband, Jon, were expecting their first child. The general upkeep of their home was proving to be terribly difficult the further along she got in her pregnancy. They could have picked any of the girls in my class. I’m certain they prayed about it, and the spirit told them I needed this opportunity. It turned out to be such a blessing in my life at that time. I don’t think Jon or Michelle can possibly know what that experience meant to me.

Years later and I am now a teacher of the young women in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was first called as a member of the presidency several years ago. Little did I know that within a month I would discover a passion for the youth of today. It wasn’t so long ago I was one of them, and I could see that insecure teen in the eyes of my girls. After several years of serving them I am now comfortable in my position as a teacher. I love the youth with all my heart.

Leaders of the teens need to take an active hand in providing meaningful teaching experiences outside of regular Sunday meeting. Leaders over the Latter-day Saint Church youth willingly give of their time and energies to help give extra support on a weekly basis. Lessons are prepared for Sunday meetings. Other than Sunday or Monday, one night a week is dedicated to an activity. These activities help bring the youth together in ways to help strengthen them in knowledge of the gospel of Jesus Christ. They provide skills youth can use in the home, workplace, and in social scenes. They also create a sense of community, both with the other teens in a ward (congregation) and with those they serve. Trust me when I say youth are called on to serve quite a lot.

It should be the hope of leaders to shape teens into someone like the sons of Mosiah, who can be found within the Book of Mormon:

“They had waxed strong in the knowledge of the truth; for they were men of a sound understanding and they had searched the scriptures diligently, that they might know the word of God.

“But this is not all; they had given themselves to much prayer, and fasting; therefore they had the spirit of prophecy, and the spirit of revelation, and when they taught, they taught with power and authority of God” (Alma 17:2-3).

As leaders of teens in any church it is our duty to encourage them to push beyond their expectations, for their own ideas of what they can accomplish will be continually squashed down by the forces and influences of Satan. We must be there to lift them up and beyond in the hopes that they will achieve the righteous desires of their hearts and lead others by example.