Teens & Seminary

One of Satan’s greatest tactics is to convince us that once we sin we can never become clean again. It’s over. We should just give up, and give in.

Fortunately there is hope. Repentance is an extraordinary blessing given to us by our Savior. All that He endured during the Atonement I cannot possibly fathom. Yet I am forever in debt to Him for this gift. If we sin, we can receive forgiveness. We can be cleansed. We can feel the peace of the Lord. All of these things will serve to strengthen us against further temptations.

In the last several decades Satan has focused in particular on swaying teenagers to make wrong choices. You can see it in the media, in music, and in everyday peer pressure. He knows if he can get to you young, he will have a much greater hold on you as you grow up. He desperately wants you to believe once you sin there’s no way to go back.

There is a booklet called For the Strength of Youth put out by leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (nicknamed the Mormon Church). In this booklet there are many vital points covered to help the teenagers of today cope with temptations and to give guidelines that will help keep you on the happy side of life.

One of these key points is the process of repentance.

“Satan wants you to think that you cannot repent, but that is absolutely not true. The Savior has promised you forgiveness if you will do what is required. The sooner you repent, the sooner you will find the blessings that come from forgiveness” (For the Strength of Youth, p.30).

The repentance process has six key elements:

1. Faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Does that surprise you a bit as the first step? Satan will try to convince you that you are no longer worthy to go to your Heavenly Father and ask for forgiveness. He will try to convince you that the sin you committed was so great it could never be forgiven. This is where faith comes into play. You need to have the faith that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ there is the power to be forgiven. You need to have the faith that your Heavenly Father is ready and willing to forgive you and help you become clean once again.

2. Sorrow for the Sin. I’m not just talking about getting caught and paying penance. You need to have a sincere sorrow for what you have done. There must be an acknowledgement of the sin and your choice to commit it. 2 Corinthians 7:10 talks of having a ‘godly sorrow.’ This type of sorrow signifies a sincere regret at having disobeyed the commandments of Heavenly Father, and a genuine hope to make a change.

3. Confession. Perhaps the hardest part of the process, yet essential if a cleansing is to take place. It is natural for us to hide away our sins, but a funny thing happens when we do. The sin doesn’t go away, but sits like a puddle of tar, sticking to everything inside. We can try to ignore it but it never goes away...until we are ready to confess. For less serious transgressions this can be done in prayer to our Heavenly Father. If our sin is more serious this needs to be done to a church leader. Be completely honest, and do it as soon as possible.

4. Abandonment of Sin. Although the confession is hard, it’s not enough to complete the process. We must also forsake the sin, step completely away from it, and flee before it.

5. Restitution. Whether you want to admit it or not, others are always damaged when we choose the wrong path. It is vital in our healing process to make restitution.

6. Righteous Living. Many times sin becomes a bad habit. If this is the case we need to replace the bad habit with something good. If the sin only happened once, we still need to fill our lives with righteous things so that temptations will have no power over us.

Repentance is not an easy process. It is, however, the only way for us to become whole again, to regain happiness, and to look upon ourselves as worthy children of God. We should always confess our sins to the Lord, and trust that He will help us find our way back to our Heavenly Father. We need to trust in His promise:

“He who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more” (D&C 58:42).

When we successfully come through the process of repentance the Lord will remember our sins ‘no more.’ This doesn’t mean we should forget, otherwise there was no lesson learned. The blessing comes in no longer feeling that sorrow, and in being able to start over with a clean soul.

It is up to us, however, to take that first step.

This is such a difficult subject to write about. It’s not because I’m shy when it comes to talking about sexual purity. When the subject comes up in church lessons I’m usually the first to volunteer because I feel so passionately about remaining pure before, and after, marriage. For me the difficulty lies in helping a teenager realize the importance of, and the blessings that come from, keeping ourselves pure by not having sex before we get married, and making it happen in just one post.

Perhaps that’s why I’ve written* on it before, and will undoubtedly write on it again.

The subject is also important enough for leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, nicknamed the Mormon Church, to write to youth specifically about it in the booklet For the Strength of Youth. This booklet briefly touches on various subjects of vital importance to teens living in today’s world. It acts as a guide, as well as a warning, in a world that strives to twist the good things into evil, and evil into good.

One of the most well known accounts of the importance of remaining pure is found in Genesis 39:1-12, when Potipher’s wife attempts to seduce Joseph. He couldn’t imagine doing that to his boss, nor could he sin against God in that way. He even went to prison for it, yet he ever remained pure.

For the Strength of Youth gives several different warnings against particular things we should guard against. They are not comfortable for me to write. Odds are they won’t be comfortable for you to read. I would ask that you do read them, and do so with a prayer in your heart that you might know if what is being warned against is truly God’s will.

“Before marriage, do not do anything to arouse the powerful emotions that must be expressed only in marriage. Do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of another person, or touch the private, sacred parts of another person’s body, with or without clothing. Do not allow anyone to do that with you. Do not arouse those emotions in your own body” (For the Strength of Youth, p.27).

If we try to keep ourselves out of danger, keeping ourselves pure is so much easier. I can’t express that enough. When we skirt the edge, when we walk the line, we knowingly place ourselves in a position where Satan can influence us. If we keep far away from the danger line, the line between God and Satan, we keep ourselves protected.

How do we remain on God's side of the line? Always treat your date with respect. Stay in places you know are safe, where you can control your physical desires. Keep your language and conversations clean and uplifting. Remember that each young man or young woman is a child of God and deserves to be treated as such. When you do little things like this you protect yourself from the emotional, physical, and spiritual damage that can come from sharing physical intimacy outside the bonds of marriage.

For the Strength of Youth also touches briefly on homosexuality. It is a serious sin. Serious. It is not to be treated lightly, or to be rationalized into something that is good. It is true God loves every sinner, but He does not condone this sin.

“If you find yourself struggling with same-gender attraction, seek counsel from your parents and [church leader]. They will help you.”

Marriage, and all that comes with it, is for a man and a woman. The prophets have told us this time and again.

“The sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between a man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World”).

Unfortunately there are those whose virtue is brutally taken from them, without their permission, without their choice. It is vitally important for anyone out there who has been the victim of rape, incest, or other sexual abuse to know that in the eyes of God you are considered innocent. He still loves you, and is so mindful of everything you have been made to endure because of the agency of another.

“Seek your [church leader’s] counsel immediately so he can help guide you through the process of emotional healing.”

If any of you have been tempted to commit a sexual transgression, stop for a moment and think about what the consequences will be. Think about what you will be giving up. Think about how you will have to explain to your future spouse, to your future children, the choice you are about to make. If you are seriously tempted, go to your parents, or another trusted adult. Talk to the Lord, and to church leaders. Let them help you resist. Allow them the chance to help you overcome these thoughts and feelings. Pray that you will choose a better way, a happier way.

If you have committed this sin, it’s time to repent. It is only through the repentance process that you will begin to find peace once again. It is only through this process that the Spirit of the Lord will again be able to reside with you. You can’t take back what has been freely given away, but you can once again feel clean and worthy. Heavenly Father only wants what’s best for you, and repentance is truly a gift to help us be happy.

This doesn’t really begin to cover the importance of being sexually pure. I can only hope that it at least makes you think about why it is so important. Both my husband and I kept our virtue in tact when we got married, and I have never regretted it. I can promise if you choose to keep yourselves pure, you will count it as one of the greatest choices of your life.

If you'd like to read more please visit:

Chastity at the Latter-day Saint home site.

An Eternal Perspective of Chastity

Don't Cross the Morality Line

Teens: The Importance of Staying Chaste

I didn’t have my first date until I was sixteen. This may sound unusual to the rest of the world, but it’s standard for teens in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (nicknamed the Mormon Church). Not dating until age sixteen may sound more like a prison sentence, yet many of us who choose to wait feel as though we are free to explore other interests. We’re not tied down to relationships or the pressures and consequences involved with serious dating.

I’ve noticed an unsettling trend in the area of dating that has occurred in the last fifteen years or so since I was a teen. This is especially portrayed as ‘normal’ in television and movies geared towards teenagers. They would have us believe, and sadly many do, that once you go on a date with someone it means you’re exclusive. Not only that but those who try dating several different people are labeled flirts...or worse. Yet this is not how God intended the dating process to be.

“In cultures where dating or courtship is acceptable, dating can help you develop lasting friendships” (For the Strength of Youth, p.24).

Did you ever think of dating as a way to make good friends? A date doesn’t have to mean a lasting commitment. It’s not a contract signed between a girl and a guy, requiring them to spend at least three or four months dating just each other. One date does not have to lead to another, and another, and even another. It can, however, help you to get to know someone better and perhaps find someone who can be a great friend.

As a teenager the dating process was painful for me. I was always so afraid of saying something dumb that I barely spoke at all (I know, sounds like a good time, right?). In fact, most of my dates in high school were a result of others asking me, as I wasn’t really interested in dating. This attitude is more common than you might think.

“Not all teenagers need to date or even want to. Many young people do not date during their teen years because they are not yet interested, do not have opportunities, or simply want to delay forming serious relationships” (For the Strength of Youth, p.24).

If you’re one of these people, don’t freak out. It doesn’t mean you’re not normal. If the desire to date isn’t big at this time you’re probably just too interested in other things. School activities can take up so much of your time it doesn’t leave much time for dating. Or perhaps you’ve seen what can happen with friends who’ve chosen to be too serious too soon. Never let anyone pressure you into dating if you’re not ready for it.

One of the biggest reasons Mormon teens don’t date until they’re 16 is because of the threat it creates when it comes to immorality. It also limits the number of people you can get to know, both guys and girls. When you’re seriously involved with someone you tend to give this person all of your attention. Others around you can be ignored. Serious dating can also keep you from having experiences and discovering traits you might like in someone you would eventually marry.

Mormon teens are encouraged to date others from the same religion. This is actually typical of many churches. Have you ever wondered why?

“A young man and a young woman on a date are responsible to help each other maintain their standards and to protect each other’s honor and virtue” (For the Strength of Youth, p.24).

For the most part when you date someone in your same religion you share the same value system. Your expectations as far as morality goes are known and will hopefully be respected. This is a standard set up even back in biblical times when Abraham sent out a servant to find his son, Isaac, a wife. The women they knew were a different religion, and they knew God wanted Isaac to marry someone who belonged to His church.

Be cautious when it comes to dating. Don’t believe everything you see on television. Don’t even believe everything your friends try to tell you. As in all things in your life, take the matter to the Lord in prayer. Encourage yourself, your date, and your friends to go in groups or double dates. If dating interests you at this time, try dating lots of different people. Avoid tying yourself down to one person.

“Do things that will help you and your [date] maintain your self-respect and remain close to the Spirit of the Lord” (For the Strength of Youth, p.25).

I hope you don’t come out of this feeling like I’m down on dating, because I promise you I’m not. I’ve just seen too many friends and loved ones hurt themselves by dating too soon, or becoming too serious. It’s natural for us to be attracted to others, and to want to act upon it. But the “natural man is an enemy to God” (Mosiah 3:19) and must be mastered. The teenager who can master the natural impulses and maintain a high standard for his or herself will truly be a happier person.

For more thoughts on datings and morality you can read:

Teens: It All Starts With a Kiss

Teens: The Importance of Staying Chaste

Don't Cross the Morality Line

and

An Eternal Perspective of Chastity

There is something remarkably powerful about the spoken word. For generations those who did not have the opportunity to learn to read and write would instead impart their histories through spoken word. Children delight in a parent’s voice repeating the words of their favorite books. Put to music, words can create something magical.

In the booklet For the Strength of Youth, put out by leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (nicknamed the Mormon Church), we are taught about the power spoken words hold.

“Clean and intelligent language is evidence of a bright and wholesome mind…. When you use good language, you invite the Spirit to be with you” (For the Strength of Youth, p.22).

Have you ever thought about that, how using good, clean language can actually invite the Holy Ghost, or Holy Spirit, to be with you? The opposite is also true. Have you ever been around someone who swears, or uses crass language? Have you found yourself using these words yourself? Think for a moment about how you feel after hearing or using these words.

I recall hearing some pretty awful language waiting for my daughter to come out of school one day. My baby was sitting in her stroller, and I wanted to cover her ears it was so bad. I distinctly recall how it took me several days, as well as numerous prayers, to make the dark feeling go away after simply hearing the foul words. I could not imagine what it would do to my spirit to utter the words myself.

One of the most extraordinary statements I’ve ever read on the use of profanity came from a man who lived hundreds of years ago.

“The foolish and wicked practice of profane cursing and swearing is a vice so mean and low that every person of sense and character detests and despises it.”
--George Washington

That made me stop and think for a moment. There was a time when swearing actually characterized a person as ‘low.’ In fact, a man who chose to swear in front of a woman would be quickly reprimanded. Is it really something to be commended that we’ve come so far in the opposite direction since the time of President Washington?

Being able to control the words that come out of our mouths speaks volumes about the strength of our minds. I invite you to read James 3:2-13. Study these verses. Ponder what they mean. Think about the power you hold over your own thoughts and words.

The use of good language goes beyond swearing or vulgarity.

“Use language that uplifts, encourages, and compliments others. Do not insult others or put them down, even in joking. Speak kindly and positively about others so you can fulfill the Lord’s commandment to love one another” (For the Strength of Youth, p.22).

Could you imagine, even for an instant, the Lord putting someone down? Even in a joking manner? In recent years I’ve watched what the power of affirming words can do for a person, especially my own children. I’ve also seen what giving out a few uplifting words can do for those in my Young Women classes (girls 12-17 in the Latter-day Saints Church). Faces light up with the thoughts that someone considers them to be just that special. Have you ever had someone make you feel that way? What do you think it would be like to make others feel the same way? The great thing is, as we give the gift of positive words, it can only bless us as well.

If you don’t swear or use foul language, don’t let others influence you to do it. In fact, go a step further and help others to realize the blessings that come from being free from vulgarity.

“Choose friends who use good language. Help others around you use clean language by your example and by good-naturedly encouraging them to choose other words. Politely walk away or change the subject when others around you use bad language” (For the Strength of Youth, p.23)”

Youth in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are encouraged to ‘Choose the Right’ from the time they are quite young. You too can become a leader and a great influence for good among your friends.

If you are one of those who swear, make the choice today to change. It can be as easy as replacing the bad habit with a good one. Every time you find yourself slipping, say a silent prayer that God will take the bad words from your mouth. Come up with other words to say instead. Before you know it, your language will become cleaner, and your spirit will feel lighter as well.

It’s never easy to change, but I can testify it is so worth it. Others around you may not understand your reasons and that’s okay. It’s not necessary for them to understand. Don’t let them sway you from doing something that can only make you happier. Odds are your friends might want to make the same change.

“For my soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea, the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads” (D&C 25:12).

Music has always been one of my greatest passions. Whether it was playing in the school Orchestra or singing in school and church choirs, I have always tried to keep music a significant part of my life. This is true of so many teens.

Sadly, dancing was never my forte, though it never stopped me from trying my best. If I wasn’t the best dancer ever seen on the face of this earth it didn’t matter to me. I just enjoyed trying.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, nicknamed the Mormon Church, put out a booklet called For the Strength of Youth. One of the topics discussed in this booklet are the standards we need to set for ourselves when it comes to music and dancing. It may sound strange, setting standards for the type of music we listen to or the moves we make while dancing, but you never know what tiny thing might influence us to make one wrong choice.

“Music is an important and powerful part of life. It can be an influence for good…. Choose carefully the music you listen to. Pay attention to how you feel when you are listening. Don’t listen to music that drives away the Spirit, encourages immorality, glorifies violence, uses foul or offensive language, or promotes Satanism or other evil practices” (For the Strength of Youth, p.20).

Have you ever really thought about just how much the music you listen to truly influences you? Leaders of the young women (girls 12-17) in our stake (group of several congregations) decided to try listening to nothing but good, uplifting music for one whole week. One particular woman came back and told us she was amazed at the difference that one change made in her attitude about everything in her life. She found herself happier, more confident, and able to deal with the stresses of life far easier than she had before. It was remarkable.

I’d challenge you to give it a try for yourself. See what happens when you turn off what is considered the most popular music of today and listen to more sacred, more uplifting music. Test the theory and see if it doesn’t truly bless your lives for the better.

The next thing we are cautioned against is our actions while dancing. Dancing is fun. It’s a great way to express ourselves, get a bit of exercise, and meet with friends. Like most everything that can be used as a blessing in our lives, it can also be misused.

“When dancing, avoid full body contact with your partner. Do not use positions or moves that are suggestive of sexual behavior. Plan and attend dances where dress, grooming, lighting, lyrics, and music contribute to a wholesome atmosphere where the Spirit of the Lord may be present” (For the Strength of Youth, p.21).

Have you ever thought about the Spirit of God being with you even when dancing? If dances are put together with the right atmosphere, music, and dress standard the entire experience can be fun without needing to drive away the Holy Spirit.

Once every few months the Latter-day Saint Church puts together a multi-stake dance. That means several congregations, even up to 20 or 30, are brought together for a dance. Good music is selected, a standard of dress and grooming is encouraged, and the dance is held within a church-owned building. Various youth leaders are encouraged to attend in an extra effort to make sure no one crosses a line that might hurt someone else. It might to many of you like it should be pretty lame. I can tell you from experience, both as a former teen and as a leader, that these dances always leave those who attend with the best of feelings.

“Praise the Lord with singing, with music, with dancing” (D&C 136:28).

Singing, music, dancing. All these things can be misused if we allow it. We must daily make a conscious choice to keep the Spirit of the Lord with us through good music and, when the opportunity comes, dancing.

One Christmas my mother pulled me aside, holding a small package in her hand. I was surprised, as we’d opened all our gifts and were busying enjoying them.

“Many years ago,” she started, “we were with my grandparents for Christmas. My grandmother gave me this ring. It meant so much to me. I’d just turned seventeen and had never owned anything like it in my life.”

She handed the little box over to me. “After you were born I knew I wanted to give it to you after you turned seventeen.”

The ring was beautiful, and I wore it for many years until it grew too small for my fingers. It now sits in my drawer, and my own daughter asks to look at it every now and again, knowing the story behind it. Though I may not be able to wear it any longer, it still serves as a reminder of my mother’s love for me.

Watch your teens to see if being given a gift lights up their face. Look at how they treasure the items they’ve been given. Check to see if their gifts are given a place of honor in their rooms. If so, your teen most likely feels the most loved when they receive a gift.

Giving gifts is the fifth and final area in my posts on learning how to love your teens. Giving gifts must go beyond Christmas and birthdays, especially if this is the primary way your teen gives and accepts love.

Think about how you felt as a child and teen when it was your birthday. All focus was on you. Brightly wrapped gifts were presented one at a time, everyone anxious to see what new toy or gadget you were about to reveal. What if you could feel like that every time you received a gift?

Gary Chapman, Ph.D., noted family and marriage counselor, encourages us as parents to make any gift you’re giving your teens a big deal. Even if you go out with your daughter to pick out a new dress, bring it home, wrap it up, and let her enjoy the ceremony of unwrapping it with other family members around. This ‘ceremony’ makes the gift mean so much more in the eyes of your daughter. Much more so than if you’d merely brought it home and hung it up in her closet. The love behind the gift is keenly felt.

Of course not all gifts need to be given in front of the family. Sometimes it means just as much when, like my mother did with me, you make the event itself special, private. I often think about what it must have been like for those who were given the gift of sight, or health, or hearing, or whatever from our Savior. Yes, He often performed these acts in front of many people, allowing the love behind His acts to be seen by all. There must have been other times these acts, these gifts, were also given privately. I wonder how full the scriptures would be if we were allowed to know of all the gifts of healing the Lord performed for those He loved – and He loved them all.

Our Savior is perhaps the greatest example of how to present someone with a gift. It was never done by making a deal. He never said, “I’ll take away your blindness if you’ll go to church every week.” He never gave a gift to replace his love, as many absentee parents are wont to do. He gave gifts freely, with many expressions of love, just because. He didn’t need a reason to do it other than He wanted to say, “I love you.”

If your teens acutely sense you love them through gifts, you need to consider the meaning behind your gifts. Are you often gone because of a job or divorce and try to buy your child’s love through gifts? Do you give gifts through bartering for services rendered? When was the last time you gave your teen a gift ‘just because?’

The idea of giving gifts often can make your wallet ache with the thoughts of what this will do to your bank account. We also have to be mindful of keeping our kids grounded, and working hard to keep them from becoming materialistic. Dr. Chapman explains it’s important for our teens to learn to enjoy the ordinary as well as the expensive. Ask yourself if the gift you are thinking of giving truly contributes to the well being of your teen.

If your teen wants something expensive, offer to go in on half of it. Let them learn the value of the money by earning it for themselves. If they can’t get a job, give them extra chores or jobs to do around home and offer to pay minimum wage. When you present them with the money they’ve earned, make a big deal out of it. Make it a part of the gift.

Fortunately, gifts don’t always have to be big and expensive. Consider your teen’s interests. Do they enjoy food? Cook their favorite dinner for them out of the blue. Do they like to read? Buy two or three of their favorite types of books, and present them with one book every two weeks or so. Do they like to draw, or sing, or play sports? Find simple ways to give them gifts relating to these things. Just be certain you’re doing it with all the right reasons, otherwise the gift loses it’s meaning.

Perhaps my most treasured gift isn’t something I was given by my parents at all. At least, not my earthly parents. Those who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, nicknamed the Mormon Church, are given the chance to receive something called a Patriarchal Blessing. One of the main components of this blessing is to know specifically what some of our gifts are. These gifts are not tangible, but spiritual, and can provide extraordinary blessings throughout our lives if we use them righteously. They are gifts that can be increased by using them to bless others.

I am eternally grateful to a Heavenly Father who has blessed all of us with gifts. Not only with spiritual gifts, but with every thing on this earth we have been given. He does it because He loves us. He doesn’t require anything in return. He is an extraordinary example of what it means to love someone through giving gifts.

For some teenagers the strongest way they feel and receive love is through service. Service is a language most parents naturally speak. From the time our children are first born it becomes our responsibility to change diapers, cook food, wash clothes, and look after the physical welfare of our little ones.

One of the greatest examples of service comes in the form of a carpenter. Jesus Christ spent the majority of His ministry serving others. It’s a pretty fair bet that He spent many more years before that giving service as well. He knew, perhaps more than any of the rest of us can possibly comprehend, how acts of service are able to communicate so much love. The Bible is replete with story after story of how our Savior performed such acts. The Book of Mormon, another testament of Christ, also shows how He chose to serve His faithful in the Americas shortly after His resurrection. He was only with them for a short time, but His influence remained with them for hundreds of years after. (If you'd like to read of this visit please go to 3 Nephi 11 and read on.)

Gary Chapman, noted marriage and family counselor, recognized the need for service in many of his patients, even calling it a powerful expression. Unfortunately we as parents often find our attitudes slipping when it comes to serving our teens. Perhaps we do it more out of a sense of duty rather than love. We may even start to feel more like slaves than parents. I know I’ve felt that way a few times.

This is where we learn how to step away from the type of service we provided for our loved ones when they were children, and begin teaching them how to become independent adults through service.

In listening to Dr. Chapman speak on acts of service I am reminded of the saying, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” That is the attitude we must now begin to take with our teens. They want to feel grown up and independent. A big step forward will be in teaching them how to do things for themselves. This can be done in simple ways.

If you’re preparing dinner one night, invite your teen to come help you. Ideally this should be done even before they become teenagers. Still, it’s never too late to start, and teens should definitely be taught to cook some of the most basic dishes. You are providing the service of preparing the food and doing the main cooking, but your teen feels the love you are showing in asking them to be a part of the process.

In both the youth programs (Young Men and Young Women) in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (nicknamed Mormon Church) teens are encouraged to set goals to help them become more self-reliant. For boys these goals are set in the Duty to God program, and for girls it's done in Personal Progress. For example, teens are asked to learn to make a grocery list, do the shopping, and prepare a meal. Parents are highly encouraged to help in this, and certainly show their love when they choose to do so.

Dr. Chapman encourages us to make a list of things we’d like to teach our teenager. Show it to him or her and explain what the list is. Ask your teenager to write down any other things he or she might like to learn. This will especially help in giving your teen a positive attitude about the plan. Your teen might even surprise you. Your young man could be a budding chef. Your young lady could be interested in cars. Give them the chance to express themselves through the things they want to learn.

Once the planning is done the training must begin.

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).

It does not say, “Do everything for your child and maybe one day he’ll pick up on it.” Our children have to be taught and trained how to do things for themselves. Dr. Chapman tells us to teach first. Give a verbal explanation of what you are about to do. For example, you wouldn’t just hand your teenager a pot and expect them to know how to make spaghetti. You would first explain things. After we teach it’s time to train. First we show by example, next we have our teen help, until finally they are able to do it by themselves. This will take time, and a lot of patience. I can promise you when it is done in the right spirit wonderful things will happen in the life of both you and your teen.

Three warnings. First, be careful not to fall into the habit of making deals. Your teen will only see this as manipulation. If you find yourselves saying things like, “I’ll do this if you’ll do this…” be careful. It’s a form of manipulation, like a bartering system. The end result is not love, but getting what you want.

Second, be mindful of doing everything for your teens, as you did for them when they were children. It will still be necessary to do many things for your teens, especially those things they have not been taught to do for themselves. Parents who continually do everything for their teens are simply creating dependent teenagers who feels free to take and take and take, but never learn how to truly give.

Last, watch for teens who try and manipulate you. “If you really loved me you’d let me go to the party.” Guilt is a favorite tool, and we need to remember real loves comes from doing what we know to be right even when our children don’t see it themselves.

Whenever I think of the Lord I think of service, and the love He showed through each act performed. I know He would willingly serve me just as I try to serve my own children. I also know He doesn’t want me to just give my kids fish, He wants them to become fishermen.

Quality time can be one of the hardest languages of love to speak, especially for someone who doesn’t personally care about quality time. My oldest feels the most love through quality time. She’s constantly asking to do things together either with me, or her dad. Finding that time with three other kids in the house is terribly difficult right now while she is still a child. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult it’s going to be as she enters the bustling teenage world.

Susan W. Tanner, General Young Women’s President for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (nicknamed “Mormon Church”) once said:

"We demonstrate our love for family members not only in teaching them affirmatively but also in giving them of our time" (Susan W. Tanner, “Did I Tell You…?,” Ensign, May, 2003).

Gary Chapman, family and marriage counselor, tells us that giving our teens quality time is to give them a portion of ours lives, our undivided attention. In other words, we must be willing to show them that nothing else in the world matters to us in that moment than what they have to say. If quality time is your teenager’s primary way of feeling loved, it’s vitally important for you as parents to make an effort to spend time together.

Quality time is not merely being in the same room together. I cringe every time I think of the times my husband and I let our daughter stay up to watch a movie with us. Every time she’d ask a question or try to make a comment we’d shush her. We may have been sitting on the same couch, but she wasn’t feeling loved. She came away from the experience thinking we loved the movie more than we loved her.

Spending quality time together doesn’t require a great, in-depth conversation where intense feelings are expressed or big problems are resolved. The conversations can be lighthearted. It's still important to make eye contact and use words to show we’re really listening. We must purposely make time out of our schedules, even if it means putting something aside in a moment’s notice, to give to our teens. Be interested in the things they choose to talk to you about, even if those things seem trivial to you.

“Some time ago I read an article called “Putting Children Last,” which told about parents who talk about their children in “appointment book” terms: 15 minutes at night when possible, regularly scheduled play time once a week, and so on (see Mary Eberstadt, Wall Street Journal, 2 May 1995). Contrast that with the mother who vowed to give her children not just quality time but quantity time. She recognized that a loving relationship requires constant and ongoing talking, playing, laughing, and working moments.

I, too, believe that parents and children need to participate in each other’s everyday, ordinary experiences. So I know about your upcoming test; you know about my lesson preparation. I attend your games; you join me in the kitchen for dinner preparation. We are major players in each other’s lives, absorbing love through daily experiences” (Susan W. Tanner, “Did I Tell You … ?,” Ensign, May 2003).

Teens will especially need to feel as though you are listening when they talk. Ask questions to show you’re aware of what they’re saying. Don’t be quick to jump in with solutions. It could be they just want someone to listen as they sort things out.

Dr. Chapman gives eight steps to help us as parents learn to help us learn to listen better.

First, eye contact is vital. It keeps your mind from wandering, and shows your teen he/she has your full attention.

Second, don’t do something else at the same time. If you can’t stop what you’re doing (like making dinner), let your teen know you want to give them your full attention and set aside time later on to talk. Keep in mind spending quality activity time together (working on a car, shopping, etc.) can often lead to quality conversations.

Third, be sure to ask yourself what you think your teen might be feeling during your conversation. Try confirming it by saying something like, “It sounds like you’re frustrated with your friend for…” Not only does this give your teen a chance to clearly state what he/she is feeling, but it communicates you’re really listening.

Fourth, watch their body language. Sometimes body language can speak much more clearly what your teen is really feeling. Tears, a half-grin, clenched fists, or fidgety hands can give you clues.

Fifth, don’t interrupt! This can be extremely difficult for some people, but try to refrain. You could end up stopping the conversation before it really gets started. This time is supposed to be all about your teen, not about you.

Sixth, ask reflective questions. When the conversation lulls a bit and you find a pause where you can speak up, ask questions that reflect what you’ve heard. You can’t express your own ideas unless you truly understand what your teen in saying.

Seventh, show you understand. If your reflective questions show you’re on the same wavelength with your teen, express something to illustrate. “I can see why you’d feel that way.”

Last, ask permission to share your impressions. If your teen is just looking for a listening ear, she’s not going to want your input and will push away. Ask something like, “Would you like to hear what I think?” If your teen says yes, he’s looking for help. If your teen says no, don’t be offended. He may have already figured out what he wants to do by simply talking it out.

On the flip side when talking to your teens be sure to give reasons why you feel a certain way. Don’t give them the excuse, “Because I said so!” This closes the door to any and all communication. Tell them why you won’t let them drive with friends until after they’ve had their license for six months. As adults we often require explanations of ‘why,’ and our teens are the same way.

For those teens that enjoy doing things together, look for activities they like to do. Take the time to watch them play a sport, act in a play, or other activities that they put so much effort into. If your teen likes to read, plan to read the same book together and discuss it.

Quality time can be a hard language of love for some parents to give, but it’s so important to make it a priority if you want your teen to feel he/she is truly loved.

Communicating love to your teen in any aspect can be a treacherous road, yet perhaps none is trickier than through positive physical touch. Due to fluctuating hormones, a constant sense of uncertainty, and the drastic highs and lows in their moods it can be difficult to figure out just when the right time hits to reinforce your love.

Positive physical touch is another aspect in the ways people give and receive love. Children who dearly love that physical contact read the most love through a hug, cuddle-time, kisses, and physical play. As they grow into teens finding ways to say, “I love you” through positive physical touch becomes downright complicated.

Trying to express love through a hug at the wrong time can cause embarrassment (if it’s done in front of friends), annoyance (if they’re feeling anti-social), or aggravation (if your action makes them feel as though you’re treating them like a child).

Parents, if your teenager’s language of love is positive physical touch, you need to learn to read your teen well enough to determine suitable timing. Good intentions done at the wrong time can go very, very wrong.

Consider first your teen’s mood. Does she slam the door upon coming home from school? Does he stand across the room from you when discussing his day? Are her arms folded tightly across her chest? Study their body language. Don’t be offended if they’re not open to being touched. It probably has nothing to do with you, but with something that happened at school.

Appropriate times for positive physical touch can be when something really exciting happens. It could be a victory in sports, a good report card, a successful performance in music or dance, a well-deserved grade on a test or major paper. The opposite can also be true. If your teen flunks a test, or has lost a good friend, or perhaps had a little accident with the car, they may need a good hug to be reminded that they are still loved. Just be mindful of their body language to know if it's safe to approach them.

Another thing to consider is where you might be with your teen when you want to give them a hug or kiss. The child who used to love being held in front of their friends isn’t going to like it any more. Gary Chapman, a marriage and family counselor who came up with the concepts of the love languages, strongly recommends “a good rule of thumb is never to touch a teenager in the presence of his/her friends unless the teenager initiates it by touching you.” (Italics added)

As with any expression of love, taking it to a negative side can cause horribly lasting effects. For a teen who feels the most love through physical touch, abuse of that form of love screams the opposite of love.

President Gordon B. Hinckley, former leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (nicknamed “Mormon Church”), gave one of my most favorite quotes on the evils of abuse.

"Then there is the terrible, inexcusable, and evil phenomenon of physical and sexual abuse.
It is unnecessary. It is unjustified. It is indefensible.

“In terms of physical abuse, I have never accepted the principle of “spare the rod and spoil the child.” I will be forever grateful for a father who never laid a hand in anger upon his children. Somehow he had the wonderful talent to let them know what was expected of them and to give them encouragement in achieving it.

“I am persuaded that violent fathers produce violent sons. I am satisfied that such punishment in most instances does more damage than good. Children don’t need beating. They need love and encouragement. They need fathers to whom they can look with respect rather than fear. Above all, they need example.

“And then there is the terrible, vicious practice of sexual abuse. It is beyond understanding. It is an affront to the decency that ought to exist in every man and woman. It is a violation of that which is sacred and divine. It is destructive in the lives of children. It is reprehensible and worthy of the most severe condemnation.

“Shame on any man or woman who would sexually abuse a child. In doing so, the abuser not only does the most serious kind of injury. He or she also stands condemned before the Lord.

“It was the Master himself who said, “But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea” (Matt. 18:6). How could he have spoken in stronger terms” (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Save the Children,” Ensign, Nov 1994).

Try to find different, positive ways to daily tell your teens you love them in a more adult manner. What about arm wrestling with your son? Try giving your daughter a manicure. A shoulder or back rub after a hard day is always nice. You could even practice the art of reflexology together and get a pretty nice foot massage in the process. If your teen doesn’t care for your expressions of love, have an honest talk and find out what would be okay. This acts as a way to let your teen assert what is or is not okay with him or her, and shows your respect for his/her feelings.

Teenagers whose main language of love is through positive physical touch need to be touched by parents. For some, it speaks more deeply and quickly than all other forms of expression. It can be used to help ease disappointments, to soften harsh words spoken to discipline, and to celebrate the good times.

One of the most powerful statements I’ve ever heard on the power our words hold was given by a latter-day apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (nicknamed Mormon Church) by the name of Jeffrey R. Holland.

In his talk, “The Tongue of Angels,” he takes a moment to contemplate the effect a parent’s words can have on a child.

“We must be so careful in speaking to a child. What we say or don’t say, how we say it and when is so very, very important in shaping a child’s view of himself or herself. But it is even more important in shaping that child’s faith in us and their faith in God” (Jeffrey R. Holland, “The Tongue of Angels,” Ensign, May 2007).

In continuing the posts on learning how to speak your teens’ language of love, we come to the area on speaking words of support and encouragement. This is especially effective if your teen feels the most love through affirmative words.

I am one of those people. I have always needed to hear the words to know that someone loves me, or appreciates me. The quickest way for me to let others know I love them is through a written note or by saying it out loud. As a youth I often did things, especially service projects, so that I might reap the rewards through loving and encouraging words. This is my foremost language of love.

For those of us who need these affirming words there is nothing more devastating than to hear the opposite, especially from someone we dearly love.

Speaking in particular to mothers, Jeffrey R. Holland discusses this with remarkable eloquence.

“How is it that such a lovely voice which by divine nature is so angelic, so close to the veil, so instinctively gentle and inherently kind could ever in a turn be so shrill, so biting, so acrid and untamed? A woman’s words can be more piercing than any dagger ever forged, and they can drive the people they love to retreat beyond a barrier more distant that anyone in the beginning of that exchange could ever have imagined” (Jeffrey R. Holland, “The Tongue of Angels,” Ensign, May 2007).

Fathers, you are certainly not off the hook. As a mother’s voice is compared to that of angels, I have so often thought of a father’s voice as being comparable to that of our own Spirit Father, or our Father in Heaven. When you find yourselves reacting in anger, pause for a moment and think what your Heavenly Father would do in the same situation. Remember these children are His children as well, and deserve a calm, supportive voice of reason during these trying years.

I love the words of the apostle Paul, who not only spoke candidly, but with much hope:

“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but [only] that which is good…[and] edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God….
“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you….
“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:29-32).

Children respond so easily to uplifting words. They’ll accept any you have to offer. As they grow into teens it’s not as easy to keep those words uplifting. More often we look to criticize, or demean, in order to get our point across. Then we wonder why our teens no longer listen to us. There is a better way to inspire our teens than by yelling, nagging, or arguing. These negative words can be more harmful than you realize to those who recognizes love through words.

So how do you break the negative-word cycle? Gary Chapman, family and marriage counselor, wrote extensibely about this very thing.

Start with a few words that praise your teens. Look for and verbally recognize their accomplishments. Believe it or not, every teen out there has done something right, and they deserve a bit of recognition for it. Be sincere in your praise. I can state from personal experience that it’s easy to know when someone’s not sincere. Flattery won’t get you far, and will breed distrust.

Be specific in your praise. If your daughter was supposed to clean her room, but only got her dresser cleared off, tell her she did a good job cleaning her dresser. If your son managed to get all his dirty laundry in the hamper without being nagged, praise him for it! Look for specifics.

But what if the results of a job are less than what was desired? Dr. Chapman suggests you praise efforts if you can’t praise the results. If your teen has tried to do something like wash the dishes or fold the laundry or mow the lawn, but their efforts have fallen far short of the job you could have done yourself, let them know how much you appreciate all the effort they put into the job. The next time they attack the chore, make a few suggestions as to how to make it easier. Say something like, “You might see a difference if you…” or “This time why don’t you try…” Make it about what they can do rather than what works for you.

Lastly, don’t be afraid to say the words, “I love you.” If you’re not used to saying it, this will take time to get used to. But the efforts will be marvelous. Don’t go around shouting it right in front of your teens' best friends. Do it privately. Find other ways of saying “I love you” without using the actual words.

“I really enjoy having you around.”

“Your smile makes my day.”

“I needed to see your beautiful face today.”

In the shaping of a teenager’s self-image our words are powerful tools. They should be filled with faith, with hope, and with charity. As Jeffrey Holland put it:

“With such words, spoken under the influence of the Spirit, tears can be dried, hearts can be healed, lives can be elevated, hope can return, confidence can prevail.”

For some parents it may seem like the most difficult thing in the world to do at time: love your teenager. The angelic little boy who used to love giving out hugs and kisses now flinches away from any signs of affection. The precious little girl who would heartily proclaim, “I love you,” now says hardly a word at all.

C. Ross Clement, a licensed clinical worker for LDS Family Services, stated:

“As parents, the single most important thing we can do for our children is to love them as the Savior loves each one of us (see John 13:34–35). When our children know that we truly love them, they are more likely to listen to our counsel, follow our example, and accept our discipline” (C. Ross Clement, “Talking with Teens,” Ensign, Jun 2005).

There is a trick not only in learning to love your teen, but more importantly in learning to speak your teens language of love.

A few years ago I was turned onto a series of books that opened my eyes as to how people both accept and give love. At the time I was a leader in the Young Women (girls age 12-17) program in my ward (large congregation in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, nicknamed Mormon Church). I was so inspired by what I read that I invited both the girls as well as their mothers to attend a presentation I put together. My goal for that activity: to help parents and teens realize why their relationship is so strong, or so weak, when it comes to loving their teens.

Before we explore the way teenagers give and express love, we need to take a moment to look at how we love our children. Until about the age of five, all children receive love through five different channels: positive words, acts of service, positive physical touch, gifts, and quality time. These five areas were explored by Gary Chapman, Ph.D, a marriage and family counselor. He discovered that after the age of five, children begin to select one or two areas where they in particular are able to connect with someone when it comes to love.

Some children may appreciate quality time with a parent much more than being given a gift. That time spent together speaks of love in more ways than a trinket ever could. Other children may respond overwhelmingly to positive, uplifting, and loving words far more than being given a hug or pat on the back. We’ll explore these areas more in the next few posts.

For several years children will lap up any bit of love in their specific area, and will blossom greatly under the influence. Then something big happens: they begin the transition into becoming a teenager. No longer do they want hugs and kisses, outright declarations of love, seemingly corny trinkets, or going to the grocery store just so you can be together.

Teens naturally begin to pull away from their parents. Sister Julie B. Beck, former 1st counselor in the General Young Women program of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, tells us why:

“They’re in a searching age—it’s the “why” age. There’s a reason for that: the Lord wants them to get their own testimonies” (Young Women General Presidency, “For the Strength of You,” Ensign, Oct 2007).

While they are in this process of searching for the why and what of everything in life it is more important than ever for them to feel secure in their love at home.

As teens move away from their childlike selves, their particular love language doesn’t change to something new, it merely looks for a new avenue. Dr. Chapman tells us that teens pull away from being loved as they were as a child, for they no longer wish to feel like a child. They are beginning their journey into forming adult personalities, and therefore wish to be loved in a more adult manner.

Think about that for a moment. Would you, as an adult, want to be sat down on your parents’ lap and cooed at, have your cheeks pinched, or your hair mussed up? Would you honestly appreciate having your mom or dad come over and do your laundry, clean your house, do your taxes, cook your meals, and balance your checkbook? Okay, okay, maybe that doesn’t sound like such a bad think, lol. For most of us, however, it’s a sign of independence to be out on our own and able to do these things for ourselves.

Teens are beginning their own journey in becoming the person you now are. In much the same way they desire to be loved in a more adult fashion.

Over the next few posts I hope to help you come a little closer to your teens. Keep in mind if you don’t speak the same language of love it will take time and a lot of effort to make a change in your relationship. The perception of your actions with your teen could have been warped before now, because your teen didn’t see the love behind the actions.

“Without love, a parent’s expression of disappointment can be perceived as rejection and, oft repeated, can damage the child’s sense of worth. Teaching without love may fail to touch the hearts and lives of our children. Listening without love may be perceived as disinterest. Discipline without love will be looked upon as unrighteous dominion” (C. Ross Clement, “Talking with Teens,” Ensign, Jun 2005).

We all speak a particular language when it comes to love. If we desire to see our teens become strong and confident, we must learn to speak their particular love language.

“Love should be the governing force in all of our interactions with our children” (C. Ross Clement, “Talking with Teens,” Ensign, Jun 2005).

As teens you are constantly bombarded by the influences of the media. Whether it’s what’s seen in movies and television, in magazines and books, or what you listen to on the radio there are constant chirping voices encouraging you to step away from the values and morals you’ve been taught.

I’ve noticed a trend in recent years when it comes to television shows that gear their messages towards teens. Whenever these shows are advertised we hear words like, “The newest craze in America,” or “The hottest new show.” We are made to think these shows are what all teens must be watching. These shows must be the ones that represent what the youth of today are really all about, right? How sad it is that most of these shows glorify teenage sex without the consequences, drinking under the legal age limit and making it look fun, peddling the idea that smoking a little pot isn’t going to hurt you. And after a while, you begin to believe it.

In the booklet For the Strength of Youth put out by the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (nicknamed Mormon Church), teens are strongly advised to be careful about the entertainment they choose.

“Whatever you read, listen to, or look at has an effect on you. Therefore, choose only entertainment and media that uplift you. Good entertainment will help you to have good thoughts and make righteous choices. It will allow you to enjoy yourself without losing the Spirit of the Lord” (For the Strength of Youth, p.17).

Unfortunately finding good things to watch on television or in movies isn’t too easy. Still, we have a choice with everything we are confronted with. Especially you who are teenagers must be vigilant in keeping yourself away from evil influences.

“Satan uses such entertainment to deceive you by making what is wrong and evil look normal and exciting. It can mislead you into thinking that everyone is doing things that are wrong” (For the Strength of Youth, p.17).

Doesn’t that sound familiar? A friend of mine who has a teenage son was watching a movie with him one night. She was disturbed by the way girls in the movie dressed, and braved a question to her son.

“Do the girls at your school ever dress like that?”

He immediately shook his head. “No, Mom, they don’t. In fact they’d be sent home if they tried going to school dressed like that.”

Due to his openness she tried one more question.

“Would you date someone who dressed like that?”

Again he immediately shook his head. “No way. It’d make me way too uncomfortable.”

This mother realized precisely what leaders of the Latter-day Saint Church have been trying to impart for years: just because you see it in the media doesn’t make it fact.

Pornography is another tool of Satan’s to influence you to make wrong choices. It is especially addictive.

“What may begin as a curious indulgence can become a destructive habit that takes control of your life. It can lead you to sexual transgression and even criminal behavior. Pornography is a poison that weakens your self-control, changes the way you see others, causes you to lose the guidance of the Spirit, and can even affect your ability to have a normal relationship with your future spouse” (For the Strength of Youth, p.19).

I have seen the effects of pornography in the life of a very good friend. Her husband was first introduced to it by his father at the age of eleven. It took hold of him quickly, skewing his perception of women and relationships, and almost destroyed their marriage. It took a few years but he has since gone through the repentance process and is now free of the addiction. That’s not to say it may not happen again, but my friend is now attentive to anything that may come into their home. If you find yourself confronted with even the slightest temptation to expose yourself to pornography, run away as fast as you can.

Another glamorized behavior is that of violence. I can remember when all it took was one or two hits and a guy was knocked out cold. Now you watch a fight scene and hit, after hit, after hit, after vicious hit is inflicted. We have become too desensitized when it comes to violence, and the more we savor it the less we will find ourselves in the company of the Spirit. Violence contradicts every message the Savior has given about love for one another.

Joseph Smith, a latter-day prophet who lived several years ago, once put together a set of articles regarding the faith of our Church. In the last one, number 13, we are given wonderfully simple counsel as to what we should look for in our entertainment:

“If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things” (Articles of Faith 1:13).

I can testify that the things we watch, see, and hear will have a strong influence over us. We must be so careful in the things we choose to expose ourselves to. Look for movies, shows, concerts, music, internet sites, magazines and books that are virtuous, lovely, of good report, and praiseworthy. It is in these uplifting areas we will find ourselves the happiest and most at peace.

As February is the month we most think about love, I remembered an activity I once put together with the members of the Young Women (an organization for girls 12-17 in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or Mormon Church). This activity was designed to help take a step toward helping those who’d become inactive in our church know we loved them.

We gave them a heart attack.

This activity can be done for all sorts of people, not just those you’re hoping to reactivate. It can be done for widows, widowers, church leaders, or other youth members who are having a difficult time.

You’ll need:

Several sheets of white, pink, and red construction paper or cardstock
Scissors
Tape
Pen
A selection of scriptures on love
Stickers (optional)

Save one sheet of paper to write your message. On the other sheets cut lots of different hearts. Make sure they are different sizes and shapes, for variety makes things interesting.

On the full piece of paper you write the message. It can go something like this:

You have just suffered a heart attack!
Do not be concerned.
Just take two of the enclosed medication every few hours until your heart feels lightened.
You are loved!

You are welcome to sign it or leave it anonymous. Play with the words until you have the exact message you want to convey. Be sure to include some scriptures at the end that talk about love. For example:

“I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me” (Proverbs 8:17).

“The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee” (Jeremiah 31:3).

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son” (John 3:16).

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment” (1 John 4:18).

“I have beheld his glory, and I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love” (2 Nephi 1:15).

“O all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love; for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever” (Jacob 3:2).

Feel free to decorate the message and any hearts with stickers and/or little sayings. You could even write some of the scriptures on the bigger hearts.

Last, but certainly not least, put together a little plate of cookies or other treats.

When everything is ready to go head out to your intended ‘victim.’ Sneak up on the porch and as quietly as possible tape some of the hearts to the front door, place others along the front porch, and put the plate and message right in the middle of the porch where it can easily be seen. When it’s all done quickly knock on the door or ring the doorbell and hide! You can either watch your someone get the surprise or quickly get away.

This world can always use more acts of love and kindness. Think of someone you can give a heart attack to this month and do it!

Perhaps it seems old fashioned, the idea of being modest in our dress. I’m not talking about being covered up from neck to wrist to toes, but about being careful in how we adorn our bodies.

In the booklet For the Strength of Youth, put out by leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (commonly referred to as the Mormon Church), teens are encouraged to ask themselves, “Would I feel comfortable with my appearance if I were in the Lord’s presence?” Even beyond this we are all reminded of what our bodies are: temples for our spirits.

“Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you? … The temple of God is holy, which temple ye are” (1 Corinthians 3:16-17).

Have you ever thought of your body in that respect, as a temple? Prophets throughout all time have counseled the children of God to maintain modest standards in dress. We are taught not to alter our clothes in any way for any occasion.

“Doing so sends the message that you are using your body to get attention and approval and that modesty is important only when it is convenient” (“For the Strength of Youth,” p. 15).

When our manner of dress becomes sloppy, we tend to act sloppy. When it’s too tight, too short, too low or too high our actions will follow suit. For the most part the way we dress reflects the person we are on the inside. Sometimes we want to be someone besides our self, to try being someone new. We might see the attention other guys and girls receive from those who dress immodestly, and desire to have that same attention. Beware of where this path will lead. Those who would be drawn to you for the look of your body have little respect for the beautiful person inside.

Modesty in dress goes beyond your clothes.

“All should avoid extremes in clothing, appearance, and hairstyle. Always be neat and clean and avoid being sloppy or inappropriately casual in dress, grooming, and manners… Do not disfigure yourself with tattoos or body piercings. If girls or women desire to have their ears pierced, they are encouraged to wear only one pair of modest earrings” (“For the Strength of Youth,” p. 16).

Though not mentioned men should refrain from piercings altogether.

When we place too much emphasis on how we look and dress, or are more concerned with keeping in the most current fashions, our spiritual side – that side that gives us the most happiness in this life – becomes smothered. When we care more about what’s going on our outside, the strength of our spirit begins to dull.

Your body is sacred. It was made by a loving Heavenly Father. It is a gift, and we need to treat it as such. Through a modest appearance we can show respect for the Lord and for ourselves. We can show our Lord that we truly do know just how precious our bodies are. Above all, we can show that we are disciples of Jesus Christ.

** For guidelines on modest dress please visit Staying Modest.

Friends are a precious commodity, especially when you, as teenagers, begin to pull away from your family. Finding friends who uplift, strengthen, fortify and encourage you is vital if you are to be truly happy.

In the booklet For the Strength of Youth, put out by leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (commonly referred to as the Mormon Church), teens are cautioned to pick good friends.

“Choose your friends carefully. They will greatly influence how you think and act, and even help determine the person you will become. Choose friends who share your values so you can strengthen and encourage each other in living high standards. A true friend will encourage you to be your best self” (“For the Strength of Youth,” p. 12).

I had a remarkable group of friends during my junior high and high school years. Several of them stayed with me through those six years while others came and went. The one thing I looked for in my friends was a common value system. None of us were tempted to use drugs, drink alcohol, or try smoking. We all firmly believed in keeping ourselves pure by not having sex before marriage. All of us felt it important to attend our weekly Sunday meetings as well as attending Seminary Monday through Friday along with our regular school studies. Our group of young women and men helped one another to stay on the path of righteousness, and we’ve come out better for it.

I have had other friends who chose a different way. I won’t go into details, but I will say the repentance process was so incredibly difficult and every single one of them said if they could undo what had been done, they would go back in time and change things.

This brings me to the next focus of friendship: being a good friend.

“To have good friends, be a good friend yourself. Show interest in others and let them know you care about them. Treat everyone with kindness and respect. Go out of your way to be a friend to those who are shy or do not feel included” (“For the Strength of Youth,” p. 12).

For years after you have left your high school years behind, you will be remembered. Melissa Watkins was one of my favorite people in high school. She had curly, blonde hair and the most extraordinary smile. We didn’t run in the same social circles, but it didn’t matter to her. Every day as I would walk into our choir class she made me feel as though I was the most important person to her at that time. I can say the same of Emily Cowley. She had the most willing heart when it came to serving others. She was dedicated to her church and her beliefs, and had an exceptional testimony.

These two young ladies and others besides will be remembered as good, kind, and inspirational. The impact they had on friends and acquaintances was truly profound.

There are, of course, others who will not be remembered so kindly due to choices they make that negatively impacted my life or the lives of my friends. I realize they may be wonderful members of their communities now. Unfortunately I cannot think of them in this way. The things we do in this life, no matter how seemingly insignificant, will make lasting impressions on those we meet in this life. Not only will our actions be remembered by those we come in contact with here on earth, they will also be recorded in heaven as well.

“Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me” (Matthew 25:40).

We need to make a special effort with our friends. We need to make a special effort with those who may not be our friends…yet. You never know when even a little kindness from you may be the only kindness someone receives.